Ever been licked by a steer?

DSC_0077 Headed to the hills this weekend for a little romping through the woods. The turkeys were gobblin and struttin’ their stuff but I was a little surprised to run across this here fella. He was very impressed with my language skills and stopped to chew that fat.DSC_0104 Now, I aint one to cast judgement on strangers but this here fella just insisted on givin’ me some sugars. I tried to tell him I just don’t roll like that on a first date but he just gave me the eye. DSC_0105 Well, next thing you know he just starts insistin’. I’m afraid I had to end our new relationship on account of his forward behavior but I did get the last laugh….DSC_0056

Wisdom from Pearl

IMG_1043 Mornin’ Y’all! Pearl woke me up at 6:30 this morning with slobbery kisses. She had determined that I had slept too long. She’s pretty sure she knows what’s best for me.
 IMG_1231Yesterday I took the chi’s for a long walk down main street. As usual we bumped into complete strangers that Pearl insisted should scratch behind her ears as in accordance with the prophecy. So, I got to thinking. (I know, it’s a dangerous path for me to take.) Anyway, how does this silly little dog manage to be adored by complete strangers? What is it about her that makes the neighbor’s kid jump the fence to come pet her?

I think it’s because she knows when to keep her mouth shut. (A trait I have yet to master.) Sure she whines when she’s hungry or needs to potty but she never makes small talk. I see her thinking sometimes. She’ll just stare into space and I would love to know what is going through her little brain but she never shares. She keeps her private thoughts to herself. You can never disagree with her views as she will not tell you what they are.

Life would probably be better if I were more like Pearl. Just keep my trap shut and greet everyone like they were the best thing I’ve seen all day.  It only takes a wag of her tail to make people smile.

Yesterday an old man pulled to a screeching halt in the middle of the road. He rolled down his window and yelled “How much will you take for one of them?” I responded “About 3 million dollars”. He laughed and drove away.

I wish I had her gift of making people happy.

Who’s that fat lady in the mirror?

I stepped on the scales this morning after a long hiatus from them and I was pretty sure it was broken. So, I stepped off then stepped back on again. It still gave me the same number. Hmmm……I then made my husband get on the scales to prove they were broken. He says they work fine. A$$hole.

For supper I had cabbage and a 3 mile walk at 4.5 mph. Tomorrow I’m going to binge on a head of lettuce.

I KNOW HE DIDN’T!

Pete n Joe

  1. Thaw out his carpenter’s glue in my microwave.
  2. Fill the trunk of my car with coal for forging.
  3. Throw a dead otter in the back seat of my car because the hide looked nice.
  4. Take a contract for 64 historic windows because “his wife can do the glazing while he makes the frames.”
  5. Fart in front of my Mother on purpose with leg hiked in air.
  6. Park in the handicapped space cause “handicapped folks aint got no business being at the liquor store.”
  7. Volunteer me to pick up a convict being released from a long stint in prison.
  8. Take me on a week-long camping trip with friends and not bother to mention that there won’t be any “facilities”.
  9. Watch one of our chairs roll down the interstate while en-route to one of these week-long camping trips and announce “Hmmm….You know that was YOUR chair right?”
  10. Yell at me from the bed as I’m getting ready for work because his coffee cup is empty and he can’t wait much longer for his second cup.

If your marriage is easy then you’re obviously doing it wrong.

Don’t snort body wash. Just don’t.

pomegranate-ispSo, I was walking through the beauty aids at Wal-Mart when I decided to sniff all of the body washes to find the perfect one. Sometimes what looks good on the picture don’t smell too good when you get it home. I went through about 5 different combined fragrances when I came across plain old pomegranate. That sounds good right? I had been picking up each bottle and gently squeezing to get a whiff of their fragrances. Fancy shamancy pomegranate had different ideas. Apparently it was more full than all of the other bottles and my squeezer had become more aggressive. I picked up the super sized bottle, placed it under my nose and gave it a good squeeze.
Yes, I filled my right nostril with approximately 1/4 cup of body wash. Of course I immediately started blowing my nose, coughing, spitting and sputtering. I had a hand full of purple gook which I slung on the floor and tried to wipe off on my pants.
A lady turned down the aisle just as I managed to get the first blob out of my nose. I looked up at her with red eyes and making strange noises while covered in purple goo. I think she said “excuse me” but I’m not sure as she back tracked and ran away. A few seconds later her husband appeared around the corner to confirm what she had witnessed. Now they think I’m some kind of weird pomegranate sniffer.
I finally got myself together, stepped away from the body wash and bought some good old fashioned soap. I just don’t think I can face pomegranate ever again.

A step inside the suicidal mind

The black fog chases me. I am haunted by this monster. Not to worry, I am used to his presence. He whispers in my ear the many ways to stop this thing called life. He says it’s too hard. He says my best is not good enough. I go for a walk in the sunshine and tell him he lies. My best has always been good enough. It has to be.

I saw a daffodil today. Spring is coming. The world keeps spinning. Life keeps moving, even when I’m standing still. 

I actually wrote this yesterday. I usually delete these things after I write them but someone asked me to stop doing that. I don’t post them because I hate pity. I don’t want the “how can I help” phone calls. Today I stand on the other side. I have lived through another bout.